Rating: PG13, humour

Spoilers/Warnings: Fragile Balance.

Summary: It's not easy being legendary. And that's doubly true when you're Jack O'Neill.

Notes | Disclaimer

General Hammond closed the manila folder he was reading and put it aside with a sense of relief. One more mission report, reviewed, signed and ready to be sent to the Pentagon. Of all his responsibilities as CO of the SGC, it was the endless paperwork that he loathed the most. He always reminded himself that it was a necessary evil, but sometimes...hell, most of the time...that didn't make him feel any better.

Hammond was about to grab another folder when he was interrupted by the sound of rapping on his office door. He looked up, grateful for the distraction, to see his 2IC standing in the doorway, his hands shoved deeply into pockets of his BDUs, his shoulders slightly bent. Although the stance seemed casual enough, after six years of serving Hammond had become quite adept at reading the moods of Jack O'Neill and right now every line of O'Neill's body radiated extreme discomfort.

"General, do you have a minute?" O'Neill asked. There was an uncharacteristic hesitancy in the other man's voice. Hammond's concern rose a notch.

"Of course, Colonel," Hammond said as he waved O'Neill into his office. "What can I do for you?"

O'Neill raised one hand to scratch at the back of his neck as he rocked back slowly on his heels. Hammond was familiar with that gesture, too; it was a stalling tactic, one that he used when he had to broach a topic he really didn't want to discuss, like the loss of a very expensive piece of equipment or to request some downtime for one of his workaholic teammates. Hammond sighed.

"Just spit it out, son."

"It's about the Asgard, sir," O'Neill said, "and this little...um, fascination that they seem to have with me."

"Fascination?"

O'Neill shuffled again. "Don't get me wrong, sir, they're great guys, really. And Thor is like a brother to me." O'Neill paused. "Well, if I had a short, bald, Roswell gray brother, but you get the point."

Hammond nodded.

"It's just, well, they're kind of fixated on me."

"Fixated?"

"Okay, obsessed," he clarified. "It was fine at first. I mean, hey, they did get my brain back in working order after I got the Ancients' language downloaded. Ya gotta love 'em for that. And they did pick me to represent Earth when they set up that Protected Planets treaty which was kinda flattering in a totally stressful 'I had no idea what the hell I was doing' sorta way. And they name a big honkin' spaceship after me, even if Carter did go and blow the thing up."

O'Neill took a breath before he continued. "The thing is, lately it's gotten kinda out of hand."

"In what way?"

"Well, Thor keeps beaming me up. A lot. I can kinda understand when they were having the problems with the Replicators and they needed a hand, but lately it feels almost like Thor is stalking me."

"Stalking, Colonel?"

"Stalking, sir. The last two times he beamed me up I was in the shower." O'Neill paused again, this time for effect. "Naked, sir."

"I see, Colonel," Hammond adopting his most sympathetic expression. Only years of practice helped him the smother the smile that was threatening to break out at O'Neill's confession.

"I'm sure it's nothing, Colonel. Just a coincidence."

"I did mention the naked part, didn't, I, sir?"

"Yes, Colonel, you did." Hammond's lips twitched in spite of himself.

"But now this, on top of everything else!" O'Neill said, his voice rising volubly.

"Jack," Hammond began in an even voice, "I can understand that you're upset about being kidnapped and cloned. That's only natural. But you have to remember that Loki was a renegade. What he did, the experiments he was conducting were outside of the Asgard's own laws and code of ethics."

"Oh, I'm still irked about that, sir. Damned irked, in fact, but that isn't what I'm talking about," Jack said, his voice taking on a sharper edge.

Hammond frowned. "I'm afraid I'm not following you, Jack."

"I'm talking about this," Jack said as he withdrew something from his BDU pocket and extended it towards Hammond.

Hammond took the proffered object and turned it carefully over in his hand. It was a smallish object, roughly egg shaped and seemingly made out of a milky, quartz like material. He looked more carefully and he could see runes carved into the surface.
"Colonel, where did this come from?"

O'Neill shrugged. "It's a little souvenir we picked up from Loki's ship. We thought maybe it might have information that could help me...him...Mini-Me." O'Neill shook his head, distracted. "Anyway, we thought it might be helpful."

Hammond cocked a brow at O'Neill. This came a little too close to stealing alien technology, even if no harm was intended.

"We were going to return it, sir, just as soon as we were certain that it didn't hold any data that might pose a security risk to this facility." O'Neill explained quickly, in response to his CO's unspoken concerns.

"Understood, Colonel." Hammond handed the object back to O'Neill. "So, what is it?"

"Well, as near as Carter can tell it's a personal data storage unit. Kinda like an Asgard palm pilot."

"Interesting."

"You have *no* idea, sir," O'Neill replied with a forcefulness that took Hammond by surprise.

"Colonel?"

"Well, sir, while Carter was tinkering with her new toy in the lab, she found this."

O'Neill pressed a series of runes in succession. For a moment nothing happened and then with a suddenness that took Hammond completely by surprise a beam of light shot forth from the instrument. It coalesced into a three-dimensional hologram of a cityscape composed of soaring skyscrapers and delicate airy bridges. Hammond marveled at the image before him, its clarity and precision making the most cutting edge digital technology on Earth look lackluster by comparison. He then noticed that in addition to the image there was text as well, several vertical columns of runes that confirmed the object's Asgard origins.

"What are we looking at here, Jack?" Hammond said, unable to completely hide his wonder.

"Well, sir, according to Daniel, it's some kind of journal."

"Like a diary?"

"No, sir, more like a magazine. Or more precisely a tabloid."

"Tabloid?" Hammond asked, startled. That was one thing he would never have expected from such an advanced race.

"Yep, apparently what we're looking at is the cover of the "Asgard Enquirer." 'Enquiring alien life forms want to know' and all that stuff."

Hammond looked again at the startlingly realistic image displayed before him. "Remarkable."

"Oh it gets better, sir."

"Do I really want to know?" Suddenly the previously abandoned paperwork was looking quite appealing.

"Probably not, sir, but I'm afraid you need to know."

Hammond sighed. "Alright, Colonel. Continue."

O'Neill stepped closer to the hologram and studied it carefully before he reached out and touched a specific rune. The image shimmered in response and then was replaced by another image, or more accurately a group of images. A group of images showing none other than Colonel O'Neill.

"Colonel?"

"Not quite there yet, sir," O'Neill replied before he reached out to touch another rune which lit up at his touch. The hologram shimmered once more and this time the group of images was replaced by a single image of one full bird Colonel Jack O'Neill standing there in his...full bird glory.

It was a perfectly rendered, life size image of Jack O'Neill naked as the day he was born.

Hammond stared at the image in shock, an expression that was echoed in the holographic image of O'Neill. Hammond suddenly realized that the image must have been taken in a shower since the only thing preserving the tattered shreds of the Colonel's modesty were some strategically placed soap suds.

"Colonel?" Hammond said, his voice sounding strangled even to his own ears.

"There are a whole lot of other images of me as well as some articles and other stuff, but this is the 'money shot'," O'Neill explained.

"What *is* this?"

"Well, Daniel has decided to dub it "Playgard." Apparently, I'm Mr. July."

"Well, I can see why you're so upset, Colonel."

"Damned straight! Daniel, Carter and Teal'c are giving me ten types of grief over this. Carter's talking merchandising, Teal'c thinks I need to go on an intergalactic promo tour and Daniel keeps calling me Colonel Arrum."

"Colonel Arrum?"

"Yeah, it means 'naked one'," he explained.  "The guy can't remember bupkis, but he can remember how to be a pain in my ass, no problem."

"Colonel..."

"General, they are way outta line here. I didn't sign any kind of waiver so I outta be able to sue their scrawny gray asses over this, right? If they were still around we could call the Tollans and ask for one of those Trident things. Hey! I wonder if we could get the Nox to file a lawsuit for us? Or maybe..."

"Colonel..." Hammond repeated sharply.

"Sir?" O'Neill said, startled out of his tirade mid-flow.

"Jack," he began in his most benevolent and paternal voice.

O'Neill's eyes narrowed in response. He knew he wouldn't like what that tone of voice presaged.

"I know you're unhappy about this. I'm unhappy about this. Senior officers of this facility should not be exposed...subjected..." he quickly amended, "to such treatment, especially by one of our allies, but the truth is, there isn't a whole lot we can do about it. We need the Asgard, now more than ever. Our allies have been suffering terrible blows recently-the Tok'Ra, the Tollans, even the Abydonians-and right now the Asgard, and the Protected Planets treaty are the only things keeping Anubis and the rest of the Goa'uld in line. We can't risk alienating them. I'm sorry Jack, but that's just the way it is."

"Sir..."

"Jack, why don't you try to look on the bright side of this."

"The bright side, sir? And which side would that be? My ass side or my...side arm side?" O'Neill rejoined tartly. "Sir."

Hammond nodded. "I know you're angry, Jack, and you have every right to be. But this isn't the end of the world. The Asgard have tremendous respect for you. You yourself said they consider you legendary."

O'Neill's eyes softened fractionally at that. "Yeah..."

"And Thor did stop Loki from continuing his experiments *and* help to fix your clone so he wouldn't die."

O'Neill softened a fraction more. "Ya gotta love him for that."

"So, think of it as good Tau'ri-Asgard public relations." Hammond paused as an idea suddenly began to take shape. "In fact, maybe Teal'c was right."

"Sir?" O'Neill's expression turned wary.

""Maybe you *should* go on a promotion tour." Hammond raised a hand to stem the incipient protest. "Not an intergalactic tour, just a few visits to some of the Asgard planets. Maybe make a few public appearances in a couple of the major cities, that kind of thing. After all, if you are as revered as all this," he waved his hand in the direction of the hologram, "indicates, this can only help to cement ties between Earth and one of our allies. One of our technologically advanced allies." Hammond made sure to stress the words "technologically advanced."

Hammond looked O'Neill in the eye. The younger man was decidedly unhappy at this unexpected turn of events.

"If it helps, Jack, I can make them add a 'no nudity' clause to your personal appearance contract," he offered magnanimously.

"But sir..." There was no mistaking the pleading in O'Neill's voice or expression.

"Trust me, Jack, this will all work out for the best. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to call the president and see about arranging your promotional tour."

"Yes sir."

As he picked up the red phone and Jack O'Neill exited his office, Hammond was fairly certain he heard a parting remark.

"It really sucks being legendary."

To fully appreciate what the hell this is all about, you will need to check out this. A thousand thanks to the wonderfully talented and very generous Neige for putting this together.