Rating: R. Slash. Jack/Daniel established relationship.

Spoilers/Warnings: Spoilers for season 5. "The Tomb", small ones for "Rite of Passage". Warnings for bad language.

Summary: Since "the boys" seem to have a bit of an attitude issues, how would General Hammond respond? Well, now you know and it ain't pretty.

Notes | Disclaimer

0552 Mountain Standard Time

Jack jabbed the call button for the elevator with considerably more force than necessary then flicked a nervous glance at his watch for at least the tenth time in as many minutes. 0552. 'Damn,' he swore silently to himself. 'If we're late, Hammond will have us stuffed and mounted. And so not in a good way.'

When the elevator doors opened, he grabbed his companion by the arm ushering him into the elevator as quickly and as firmly as possible before pressing the button for lever 28. As the elevator began its descent, Jack cast yet another glance at his fellow victim. Daniel's eyes were slitted and he was clutching a cup of coffee to his chest as if his very life depended upon it, which in all probability it did. Jack wondered if in addition to white and red blood cell counts the doc could do a caffeine cell count for Daniel's blood as well. A caffeine deprived Daniel was not a pretty sight under the best of circumstances and Jack was afraid that the trial that awaited them would require every brain cell they had between them firing on all cylinders. This was going to be bad.

Jack was still pretty ticked that the general had imposed this-in his opinion-totally unjust punishment. He stood by his belief that if Colonel Zukhov had adhered to the appropriate chain of command, and had acknowledged Jack as the senior officer on the mission, they could have avoided fatalities, not to mention a snakehead playing hide and seek on them. As if that wasn't bad enough, that damned Russian pencil pusher showed up and tried to lay all the blame squarely at his feet, first by denying the secret orders to retrieve that damned "Eye of Tiawhatsis," then by throwing the whole chain of command thing back at him. 'Excuse me, but its real hard to maintain a chain of command when the other guys completely ignore your orders and do what they damn well please.' And then Old Borschtface makes that snide comment about SG-1 coming back safe and sound when the Russian team was shredded. 'Well, yeah, that's the kind of thing that happens when people actually follow orders.'

And OK, maybe he should have kept his mouth shut, but dammit he was mad. He'd been opposed to the stupid joint mission from the get go, he'd been very up front about that. And yes, maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't have make that remark about no future joint missions ever; that was kinda overstepping his authority. And OK, maybe Hammond was right to be a bit...put out by his behavior. But come on! There had to be a better way to make his displeasure known. Maybe a disciplinary letter in his file (Hell, there were already enough in there to wallpaper the men's room, what difference would another one make?) or maybe a severe dressing down (yeah, been there, done that, own the tee shirt concession stand). And if Hammond were really after punishment, there were so many other ways. KP duty? Cleaning latrines? But not this, for the love of God, anything but this.

A power point presentation.

A six hour power point presentation.

A six hour power point presentation led by Teal'c, fer cryin' out loud.

And to cap it all off, they got the extra added bonus of Doctor Fraiser as chaperone cum guard dog cum worst nightmare should either of them misbehave. Where's a Goa'uld invasion when you really need one?

The only consolation that Jack could derive from the whole mess was that he would not be suffering alone. No, he would get to spend the entire six hour torture fest in the company of one Dr. Daniel 'Snarky' Jackson, SG-1's resident archeologist and Jack's most gifted protégé in the art of heavy sarcasm and waspish asides. Daniel had been quite indignant about Hammond's award of a power point presentation. He had complained quite loudly and colorfully for at least an hour the night before, bitterly protesting that he hadn't done anything wrong, he'd kept his mouth shut and his head down like a good little civilian advisor and if Jack wanted to indulge in a rousing game of poking the Russian bear with a stick, well, why should he have to suffer for it? Jack knew better than to point out that Hammond had nailed him for his more recent attitude in general. Daniel had never had much patience or tolerance for morons and even less for Washington sycophant morons, and absolutely none for Washington sycophant morons who made veiled threats against Daniel and his teammates. Off the record, Jack thoroughly approved of Daniel's comments; his boy was getting damned good at putting slime balls in their place, but he could also understand why Hammond thought Daniel might need a bit of attitude adjustment. So he'd simply told Daniel that he had no choice but to suck it up and just go through with the whole thing to make the general happy. Privately, however, he thought it might actually be a good thing for Daniel. After nearly five years in the field his archeologist still didn't seem to grasp chain of command. Maybe a power point presentation with lots of pretty, brightly colored pictures and lots of written words was exactly what he needed to finally wrap that quicksilver mind around the concept once and for all. Well, a colonel could always hope, couldn't he?

Watching the elevator's display count down towards level 28, Jack snuck another quick peek at his semi-conscious friend. As was so often the case, their carefully laid plans hadn't worked quite as they'd hoped. The first part of the plan, a wonderful evening highlighted by great mind blowing sex had worked out perfectly. Unfortunately, the second part of the plan, the early rising followed by a little aquatic fun in Jack's shower had not. Although Jack was sure he'd set the alarm for 0330, it didn't go off until 0445, depriving them of that extra cushion for playtime. Oh, they'd gotten part of their wish; they got to shower together, but the shortness of time and the fear of Hammond-sized, or worse Fraiser-sized reprisals, guaranteed there would be no joy in Mudville this day. And to make matters worse, Daniel had only had time for one cup of coffee before they'd had to make a manic dash to Cheyenne Mountain. And they were not going to be late! He looked at his watch again. 0555. Shit! They were going to be late.

With a sudden chime, the elevator doors opened and Jack fairly leapt through the opening dragging a not quite up to speed Daniel after him.

"C'mon, Daniel. Hurry it up or we're gonna be late!" he shot at the archeologist.

Daniel's only response was a withering glare.

"Well, if you wanna deal with the wrath of Janet, be my guest."

Daniel's eyes widened in understanding and horror and he immediately increased his pace to a jog. 'Well, it looks like Daniel did get that sense of self-preservation for his birthday this year after all.'

The two men raced towards the conference room, barely making the sudden turn in their haste and then skidded into the room with Daniel still clutching his coffee to his chest like a mother with a newborn. Jack looked at his watch. Yes! 0558! Two whole minutes to spare!

"O'Neill! DanielJackson."

The two men looked as one at the source of that booming voice. Standing there at the head of the conference table was Teal'c looking fearsome and foreboding as always, even when bearing a pointer in lieu of his staff weapon. Neither man had any doubt he could wield that innocuous instrument with deadly efficiency should the need arise. 'And please, dear God, don't let it arise.' But as awesome and terrifying a sight the proud Jaffa presented, he was nothing compared to 5'2'' of no nonsense, Georgia grown, medically trained and USAF approved Janet Fraiser. It was widely acknowledged that Doctor Fraiser was the most terrifying person on the base and had been secretly voted "Most Likely to Scare the Crap Out of a Snakehead with a Single Glare." She'd certainly done a number on Nirrti during the snakebitch's recent visit. Jack suspected Janet would be secretly pleased if she knew of this assessment, but Jack wasn't stupid enough to find out first hand.

Janet gave both men a level stare. "Gentlemen," she began, her tone cool and slightly clipped, "I wasn't set to go on duty today until 1000 hours. I was, in fact, looking forward to the opportunity of sleeping in since Cassandra is spending the week as a volunteer at a summer camp for handicapped children. So imagine my...surprise, when I received a call from General Hammond last night informing me that I had to be on base at 0600 in order to chaperone two wayward members of SG-1 who needed a refresher course in chain of command practices. To say that I was somewhat less then thrilled at the prospect is an understatement..."

Both men put on their most apologetic expressions.

"...but as I received a direct command from my commanding officer, I knew better than to disobey or give him attitude." She looked directly at Jack as she pronounced those words. 'Oh yeah, real subtle.'

"Um...Janet," Daniel began hesitantly. "I thought General Hammond said you offered to attend?" He offered her a shy little smile, then cringed slightly as her expression grew even stormier.

"Yes. But that was before he mentioned the minor detail of the 0600 start time. Unlike some people, I do have a life off base and I like to enjoy it now and then," she explained to the two now thoroughly unnerved men standing before her.

"Now, gentlemen," she continued, "I'm sure my presence here will prove entirely unnecessary as I am certain you will both behave like mature, intelligent adults. Otherwise, I may have to exercise my authority. I would just like to remind you both that next month I will be conducting a training course for student nurses at the Air Force Academy Hospital and I will be needing some volunteers so they can practice standard procedures. The first topic on the syllabus is enemas."

Both Jack and Daniel winced.

"Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes Doctor Fraiser," came two slightly muffled and quite probably terrified voices.

"Good," she said smiling brightly. "Now that we have that settled, there's just one more point to clear up." She walked directly over to Daniel and held out her hand. "Give me the coffee Daniel."

Daniel looked like he'd been gut punched. His previously slumberous eyes went wide in shock and he clasped the coffee a little tighter to his chest before responding in a slightly bewildered voice. "Wh...what?"

"Daniel," she answered firmly. "We've had this discussion more times than I care to count. Your consumption of coffee is out of control. It's not good for your kidneys and the amount of caffeine is your system is simply too high. Now, short of tying you to a bed, a measure I don't want to take, but which I'm sure certain parties would find very...interesting," she said, shooting a quick, knowing glance in Jack's direction, "...as a means of curtailing your coffee intake, the best I can do, is restrict your access whenever I catch you. In other words, Daniel, I'm cutting you off."

Dr. Daniel Jackson, a man who had dared to defy the academic community, who had fought and died on alien planets, who had mocked snakeheads even as he was on his knees before them, quaked in terror at this horrible injunction, yet another insult to add to the previous injury of his painful pre-dawn awakening. He cast pleading eyes towards his companion, hoping against hope that Jack would come to his aid in his hour of need. Although Jack might love Daniel to pieces, there was no way in hell he was going up against the doc over Danny's coffee, especially when the threat of enemas delivered by inept student nurses was looming up at him. Uh huh, no way in hell. He gave Daniel his most apologetic look, then turned away from the spectacle of Janet gently prying Daniel's coffee from his suddenly numb fingers. The phrase 'he who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day,' echoed through his mind. 'Yeah, that's it, I'm just picking my battles. This has nothing to do with being shit scared of Janet.' That was his story and he was sticking to it.

"There. Much better. Don't worry, we've got lots of fresh, cool water if you get thirsty."

Jack was sure that he heard a sob.

"O'Neill. DanielJackson." Teal'c intoned for the second time since they had entered the room. "It is now four minutes past the allotted time for this presentation. General Hammond was most adamant that we should begin at 0600 hours precisely. I feel that it would be most improper to delay the proceedings any further."

Jack sighed. Well, they might was well get this show on the road. The sooner they did their time, the sooner they'd get paroled. Come to think of it, Leavenworth was looking good right about now. Caught between a gung ho Jaffa with orders to bore them to tears, a doctor deprived of her beauty sleep and an archeologist deprived of his coffee, life on a chain gang would probably count as upward mobility.

"Sure Teal'c, whatever you say," he said as he walked around to the far side of the table and sat down. Daniel, who was still looking a bit shell shocked from the potent combination of morningitis and extreme caffeine deficiency, shuffled slowly over to the table as well, looking like a man walking to his own execution. Daniel collapsed, rather than fell into the seat directly across from him. Janet, he noticed, took a seat farther down the table which afforded her a clear view of both men as well as the presentation itself.

Teal'c walked over to the table, giving each man a pad of legal paper as well as several pens and pencils sharpened to within an inch of their lives.

"General Hammond also asked me to inform you that there will be a 'test' after the presentation that will be administered by myself. He also said to inform you that it will not be 'True or False.'"

Jack winced. Daniel simply slumped further down in his chair.

"We shall now proceed," Teal'c announced, as he reached for the remote to dim the lights and fire up the computer. "Since General Hammond wished me to give a complete historical overview of the theory and practice of chain of command, I have chosen to begin this presentation with its history in the hierarchical structure of the Goa'uld. Although much of this history is shrouded by the mists of time, the oral histories passed down among the Jaffa provides insight into its structure. As we are now aware, the first hosts of the Goa'uld were the Unas who are indigenous to the planet P3X-888, which DanielJackson has also postulated to be the original home world of the Goa'uld as well, a theory borne out by the findings of both SG-11 during their original survey and by SG-1 and SG-3 during the subsequent rescue and retrieval operation. Given what is known..."

Jack blinked. Teal'c had adopted a pose eerily reminiscent of Daniel in full blown 'perfessor' mode and his voice was definitely set to 'drone.' Jack could already begin to feel his eyes glazing over and he had to fight the desperate urge to let them slide shut. Jack flashed a quick look at Daniel; apparently his archeologist was rapidly losing his own battle with Mr. Sandman. Jack had to suppress a snort of amusement. Who would've thought that Dr. 'I can talk endlessly about the most boring and obscure topics on the face of this or any other planet' Jackson could be done in by a power point presentation? He knew it was due to the diminished caffeine levels in his bloodstream rather than the content of the lecture, but still it was kind of funny. He snuck a quick peek at Janet who was all seriousness and watching them both with an intensity that would have put any predator to shame. He decided he had better take action before Janet did.

Daniel felt a sudden sharp pain in his shin, jerking him awake. He glared at Jack who stared back without even a hint of remorse, while trying the resist the urge the rub the place where Jack had just kicked him. Dammit, he had fallen asleep. This was all Janet's fault. If she hadn't ruthlessly appropriated his coffee...Jack was right she really was the reincarnation of the Marquis de Sade. He cast a quick look down and across the table to where the resident sadist was sitting. Youch! Not a happy woman! Daniel turned back around, trying to focus his attention on the lecture Teal'c was giving with such erudition and sobriety. He snuck a surreptitious glance at his watch. 6:23. 'Nineteen minutes,' he thought. 'That only leaves...' he tried to do the calculations but his muddled brain refused to cooperate, '...way too much time.' Idly he wondered if it was too late to run away and join the circus or maybe sneak off world. Yeah, that was a thought. Maybe he could ask the Tollans for asylum. Hey, that could work. They're civilized, surely they would take pity on a poor civilian archeologist who was suffering through the cruel and unusual punishment of coffee deprivation? Daniel cast his mind back, trying to remember if they had coffee on Tollana. No, wait, they had served some kind of tea with breakfast. Shit! No good. Clearly the Tollans aren't nearly as civilized as they claim to be if they don't even have coffee. He'd have to come up with another plan. Maybe the Nox have coffee...

'Daniel! Focus here! Coffee is not the important issue here. Try and pay attention to Teal'c's lecture!' And there was the sad part. Under other circumstances, Daniel would have enjoyed Teal'c's presentation. It was a fascinating topic and he had no doubt his Jaffa friend knew the subject well and was currently presenting a thorough and soundly structured discourse. But try as he might, he just couldn't concentrate. Not when his body was still screaming for the soft, warm haven of his bed and surety and strength of Jack's arms, not to mention his other, equally appealing body parts. And certainly not without his morning java fix. To make matters worse, he'd also skipped breakfast in his haste. Normally this wasn't a problem, provided he got a good healthy-OK maybe not the right word-dose of coffee. But without the caffeine jolt, he really could feel his blood sugar dropping like a stone. Jack and Janet were constantly ragging on his eating habits and he was willing to concede privately that they were probably right. For one brief moment he thought about asking if they could take a quick snack recess, but the thought vanished as quickly as it had appeared. Janet would give him six kinds of hell for skipping meals and even Teal'c had given him the 'breakfast is the most important meal of the day' speech a couple of times (he still didn't know where or how Teal'c had been introduced to the concept in the first place, though he suspected it was another benefit of Teal'c's devotion to television). No, he'd just have to 'suck it up,' as Jack had advised.

Unfortunately, the thought of 'sucking' brought other, far more illicit and downright pornographic ideas to mind. He risked a glance over the object of his NC-17 thoughts and noticed that Jack was hunched over his legal pad doodling. He leaned in a bit closer to see precisely what Jack was scrawling all over the paper and with such vigor. His eyebrows shot up when he saw the figures Jack was drawing. Not bad, no, not bad at all. Now granted his proportion was a bit off and some of the positions he was depicting were physically impossible unless you were double jointed and two-thirds rubber, but no one could fault him for creativity. What he lacked in technical points he more than made up for in artistry. The erotic frescoes at Herculaneum and Pompeii were positively frigid compared to Jack's doodles. Daniel felt his mouth go dry and wiped his sweating palms on his trousers. He glanced once again at his watch. 6:39. He groaned. It was going to be a long, long morning.

 
***

0713 Mountain Standard Time

"...in the third century after the ascension of Nudimmud as the supreme system lord following the defeat of his most hated rival Apsu..."

'Apsu, the god of the sweet water abyss and husband of Tiamat, the goddess of salt water ocean,' Daniel thought to himself, his mind wandering along its own tangent, '...Nudimmud also known as Ea or Enki, the Babylonian god of earth and water, and the father of...Marduk!'

Daniel looked up sharply at Teal'c, his quicksilver mind drawing parallels between Teal'c's historical discourse and their recent and rather tragic excursion to the ziggurat of Marduk on P2X-338. He wanted to ask Teal'c about this particular chapter of history, but feared that this aside would not go over well. Teal'c could be amazingly strict about following orders, even in an informal setting such as this. Daniel realized he occasionally took for granted that Teal'c had served as Apophis' First Prime for many years, a job where you followed orders or you were dead. He knew that, of course, but sometimes his mind shied away from the implications. He made a note on his legal pad to remind himself to ask Teal'c about the relationship of Apsu, Tiamat, Nudimmud and Marduk later.

Daniel glanced across at his companion, wondering if Jack had caught the name Tiamat as he had. Nope, apparently not. Then again it was hard to catch much of anything else when you're otherwise occupied catching Z's. Jack's head had dipped down, his chin touching his chest and his eyes were firmly closed. He would start snoring any second now, tipping off both Teal'c and Janet.

"Jack!" he hissed, keeping his voice low so it wouldn't be picked up by the symbiote enhanced hearing of Teal'c or the maternal instinct enhanced hearing of Janet. "Jack! Wake up!"

No go. Jack gave a slight hiccup of breath that Daniel knew from personal and intimate experience was a prelude to snoring. Well, there was only one thing to do. Jack had so thoughtfully awakened him earlier, it was only right and proper to return the favor. Pulling his leg back, he gave Jack a good solid kick in the shin.

Worked like a charm. Jack jumped up in his seat, his eyes springing open along with his mouth. And true to form the first words out were...

"Sonova..."

"O'Neill!"

"Colonel! Language!"

Roused suddenly by a painful blow to his shins then assaulted by two loud, sharp voices, Jack was utterly confused. His sharp eyes quickly scanned the room and memory returned. 'Ah crap. Power point presentation.' He glared at Daniel who had the good grace to look sheepish.

"Is there a problem colonel?" Janet asked, her voice deceptively soft.

Oh, he knew better to fall for that one. "No. no problem at all. Its, um...my shorts. They're riding up a bit is all."

Jack winced at that lame excuse. Janet raised an eyebrow, 'Huh, looks like she's been taking lessons from Teal'c,' but said nothing.

"Shall I continue?" Teal'c asked.

'Yeah, like we've got a choice here.' He shot another glare at Daniel who was studiously avoiding eye contact before turning towards Teal'c again. "Sure big guy, knock yourself out."

Teal'c nodded gravely and continued. "Following the death of Apsu, Nudimmud then destroyed Mummu, Apsu's most loyal underlord, who had plotted to overthrow him, thereby setting the stage..."

'Mummu? What the hell kinda name's that? The other snakes shoulda beat the crap outta him for that one. And speaking of beating the crap outta somebody...' Jack turned his attention once again to Daniel who was furiously taking notes as Teal'c droned on. 'Oh, don't you worry, Danny Boy. You'll be getting yours real soon.'

***

0828 Mountain Standard Time

"...this brings us to the hierarchy within the ranks of the Jaffa. The 'Che'Prek'Ta,' or 'First Prime' as you would translate the term, is head of his god's army, much like a general. He also oversees all other aspects of his god's demesnes. He has three primary overseers under his direct supervision: the 'Ma'Tak'Or' or 'First Keeper' who is directly responsible for his god's household, including..."

'Christ! Isn't this over yet?' He glanced irritably at his watch and sighed. 'Is it possible to die of acute boredom?' Jack had asked himself this question before on more than one occasion when Daniel had seen fit to grace him with some long, drawn out lecture, but at least with Daniel, Jack had the compensatory component of 'Daniel watching'. In those cases, he could usually block out whatever Daniel was prattling on about and just focus on the rest of the show: the way his eyes would sparkle with excitement, or the way his hands would sweep and gesture animatedly or how lips moved, rounding and forming sounds, making him think of other more pleasant uses for that tempting mouth. Oh, yeah, now that's entertainment. It wasn't that he didn't recognize that Teal'c was a good looking guy, at least in the abstract, it was just, well, he wasn't Danny. Nuff said.

Once again, just thinking about the man caused Jack's eyes to seek him out. Daniel was still in bookworm mode, scribbling furiously, making page after page of barely legible notes that somehow only he would ever be able to decipher. Jack's earlier peevishness over Daniel's wake up call had dissipated. He knew Daniel had only done it to protect him from the wrath of Janet and Teal'c, and though he had forgiven his little Spacemonkey, he hadn't entirely forgotten. After two and a half hours of the Goa'uld's Greatest Hits, Jack was bored to death, horny as hell, and ready to have a bit of fun, preferably with Daniel.

Jack slid a bit lower in his chair and toyed casually with his pen before letting it slip from his fingers.

"Oops!" he offered with a slight apologetic smile. He bent over to pick up the pen which had rolled under the table. While there, he deftly untied the laces of his right boot pulling them loose before picking up the pen and returning to his previous position.

While Teal'c droned on about the exciting world o' snakeheads, Jack was carrying out his own covert operation. Using his left foot, he carefully toed off his right boot, until his stockinged foot was liberated. Wriggling his way slowly and carefully down his chair once again, he stretched his foot out until he made contact one of the Daniel's. Still toying with his pen, Jack watched Daniel intently so he knew the precise moment Daniel caught on. His head shot up and his eyes widened with surprise before narrowing with suspicion.

Jack gave Daniel his filthiest grin, grateful from he darkness that would shield his expression from the room's other occupants, as he proceeded to slide foot along the outside of Daniel's leg. Daniel's expression was what Jack could only describe as a mixture of suspicion, outrage, and lust. Jack's grin broadened further. He had Daniel right where he wanted him, literally, since the younger man could neither move nor speak without giving the game away and he knew Danny wouldn't do that. He slide his foot further up Daniel's thigh, stroking it across the top and then down along the inside. Daniel parted his legs in immediate response as Jack stroked his toes back and forth along the inside of the other man's thigh before moving in to caress Daniel's groin.

By now, Daniel's eyes were wide with surprise and his mouth was clamped shut in order to suppress any sound. Daniel tended to be a bit, um, vocal when engaged in their various erotic activities, as was Jack if he was being honest, and it had to be killing him to sit so still and quiet while Jack continued to massage his genitals. Daniel's eyes fluttered closed and he leaned back a bit in his chair, letting his neck rest fully on the chair back as Jack continued to rhythmically flex and curl his foot along the Daniel's hardening cock.

Finally Daniel could hold back no more and a strangled sound issued from his mouth, half groan, half sob.

"DanielJackson! Are you alright?"

"Daniel?"

Daniel's eyes snapped open. He gave the smirking colonel a quelling glare before taking a deep breath in order to regain enough composure so that he could respond to the other two occupants.

"I'm fine Teal'c, Janet, really. I just have something in my throat," he said, before coughing a bit theatrically.

"Maybe you should have some water," Janet offered. "There's a pitcher and cups on the table over there."

Daniel turned horrified eyes on Jack. There was no way in hell he could stand up and walk across the room without anyone noticing the less than discrete bulge in his trousers. It was rapidly shrinking in the face of Daniel's growing embarrassment, but it wasn't completely gone just yet. He turned pleading eyes on Jack, begging him for help.

Jack sighed. 'Well, I couldn't save him from Janet the Java Snatcher, but I can help with this.' "Yeah, actually, I'm kinda thirsty myself," he explained as he leaned backwards and just reached the pitcher of water on the table behind him. He poured two glasses and scooted back to the table, handing one to Daniel before taking a large gulp from his own. Jack couldn't help but smile. Danny's dignity was preserved, his lack of a right boot remained unnoticed and unremarked upon and best of all, Janet and Teal'c were none the wiser about their little game. He looked over at Daniel who flashed him a grin of genuine gratitude. Apparently Daniel wasn't going to hold him responsible for his little stunt. 'Cool.' He took another sip of water and smiled again.

Daniel took two large gulps of water watching the smug colonel over the top of his glass. 'Oh you think you're sooo clever, don't you Jack? You might have fooled Janet and Teal'c but you don't fool me. You were just trying to cover your ass--which is my job by the way--when you offered to get the water. You might have saved me from being embarrassed, but I haven't forgotten who was responsible for the problem in the first place. You want to play, Jack? OK, you're on, flyboy.'

Jack smiled at Daniel.

Daniel smiled right back.

And Teal'c carried on with his lecture, completely unaware that war had just been declared less than six feet away.

****

0917 Mountain Standard Time

"...this brings us to the subject of the military hierarchical structure that developed within what has been termed by Tau'ri historians as the Roman Empire. Until its collapse in the year 476 AD..."

As he listened to Teal'c describe with stunning clarity and precision the history of the rise and fall of the Roman Empire from a purely military vantage. Daniel looked over at Jack to see if he was paying attention. Nope. Jack looked just as bored now as he did a half hour ago when Teal'c commenced his terribly erudite discourse on Earth military history. Daniel would have thought that Jack would find this at least somewhat interesting, and perhaps under other circumstances he would have. But right now the colonel was feeling very bored, very mischievous, and very horny and Daniel knew he was just waiting to launch another assault against an equally bored, mischievous, and horny archeologist. As Daniel still hadn't forgotten Jack's recent footsie foray, he decided that the time for a preemptive strike had come. Flicking a quick glance towards Janet to make sure she had relaxed her surveillance a tad, Daniel put his plan into action.

Daniel tapped his pen lightly on his legal pad, in a casual and innocuous gesture. Janet, of course, hadn't noticed, but Jack had, just as he'd intended. As soon as he made eye contact, Daniel gave Jack his steamiest look and a smile so filthy it should come with its own bar of soap. Jack's eyes widened in surprise and anticipation, knowing Daniel was up to something. Well, Daniel had no intention of disappointing his naughty colonel. Holding Jack's gaze, Daniel lifted his pen to his lips and lightly tapped it against his lips a few times before letting it drift down to caress his full lower lip. He gently drew the tip of the pen along the edge of the lips, then along the inside before he slowly parted his lips and let the pen tip slip inside.

Jack's eyes were riveted to his mouth now and the other man unconsciously licked his lips in response. Daniel smiled again, that smile that particular smile of his that Jack found to be simultaneously demure and provocative, before sliding the pen further into his mouth. He slid in back out and then flicked out his tongue, just barely brushing the body of the pen. He slid it back in, even further, then out again; in, then out, creating a steady rhythm that was accented by flickers of tongue and occasionally longer tongue strokes along the length of the barrel. Daniel let his eyes flutter closed, gazing at Jack through nearly closed lids. Perfect. Jack was flushed, his mouth slightly open and he seemed to be having trouble breathing. Daniel increased the rhythm.

Jack gave a slightly strangled sound, barely audible even to Daniel. The younger man increased the pace, pushing the pen in and out with quick short movements, the tip of his tongue dancing and swirling between mouth, lip and pen. Jack watched intently, unable to pull his eyes away from the erotic spectacle before him even though he felt like he was about the spontaneously combust. Jack tugged at his shirt collar, feeling the sweat pooling in the hollow of his throat. It was getting hotter in here. He was getting hotter. And Daniel, he was so hot right now Jack wondered why he hadn't set off the smoke alarms. It was too much, too hot. Had to cool down.

Jack pushed himself away from the table with such force he sent his chair collided with the refreshment table. He grabbed the pitcher of ice water and poured himself a glass, spilling some across his hands in his haste, and gulped the water down before filling a second glass and emptying it with similar dispatch.

It was only after he'd finished swilling his second glass of ice water that he became aware of the silence permeating the room. Janet was staring at him, one eyebrow raised in an expression that spoke less of curiosity and more of wry awareness. Teal'c was standing at the head of the table with his arms crossed over his chest, the pointer tapping against his bicep, while his expression was clearly one of extreme disapprobation. And suddenly Jack had a flashback to his ten-year old self caught red handed with a paper airplane and then wilting under the baleful and unforgiving glare of Sister Mary Margaret Ignatius, the holy terror of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows Catholic school. Standing a mere 5'1", Sister Mary Margaret Ignatius had eyes in the back of her head, reflexes that a cobra would envy, and worst of all she could wield a ruler like a martial arts star in a Hong Kong action flick. Woe be to the student caught misbehaving on her watch. Not even the power of prayer could save you. Jack glanced at Teal'c again. Oh yeah. Sister Mary Margaret Ignatius all the way, only with less facial hair.

His gaze flickered again, this time settling on Daniel. At the moment, the archeologist was wearing his most innocent and ingenuous expression, all wide blue eyes and pouting lips. It was the one that always gave Jack the urge to shift his gaze a little higher and see if Danny had put on his halo yet. 'Yeah, ya don't fool me, ya little shit. Innocent my ass!'

Unfortunately the thought of asses and the sight of Daniel's pouting lips distracted him again. It wasn't until he heard a rather theatrical cough that Jack realized he'd let his mind and his libido wander a tad too far. 'Shit!'

Jack returned his attention to Dr. Fraiser, whose expression was even more amused and Teal'c whose expression was even more foreboding.

"Ah, sorry there. It's just so darned hot in here. Somebody should really check the thermostat, ya know. I heard Sergeant Siler say that'd been having a spot of trouble with air recyclers. Maybe they're acting up again?!" OK, so maybe he was rambling, but anything that got there attention away from his previous behavior and gave his erection a bit of time to subside, was a good thing. He shifted his gaze between his two suspicious wardens, silently willing them to just go along.

After a few painfully long moments, Teal'c nodded his head. "Very well O'Neill. I shall continue."

Jack gave a sigh of relief and then turned his attention back to Daniel who was grinning like a fiend, a decidedly smug smile plastered on his face that wasn't fazed in the slightest by Jack's menacing glare.

'This ain't over Danny boy, not be a long shot.'

****

1046 Mountain Standard Time

"...this is in contrast to the form of military structure found in the country which you now know as Japan during the various Shogunates. The feudal social structure of the Shogunates is comparable to that of the developed and maintained by the System Lords since the Second Ascension. In the Tau'ri system, the daimyo, or feudal lords, held power through the warrior class, the samurai, who served under their command much like the Jaffa, while the daimyo in turn were vassals to the shogun, the richest and most powerful of all the daimyo. During the Tokugawa Dynasty of the Third Shogunate the power..."

Suddenly, a beeping sound interrupted Teal'c's lecture. 'Thank you,' Jack thought, with more than a little desperation as he and the room's other occupants turned towards the sound. Janet had her head down and was squinting at the display on her pager.

"Sorry," she said with an apologetic smile. "I'm needed in the infirmary. I have no idea how long I'll be gone. Do you think you can handle things here on your own, Teal'c?" The last remark was obviously aimed towards the Jaffa.

He nodded to the doctor with his usual gravitas. "I shall endeavor to do so, DoctorFraiser."

Janet looked balefully at the two men seated at the table. "I trust you gentlemen will continue to behave in a way that is befitting of your age, rank and professional positions?"

Jack adopted his most innocent and repentant expression and he didn't need to look at Daniel to know he was doing the same.

Janet gave a snort of barely restrained derision. "We'll see. I have but one word for you both: enemas. Remember, that's not a threat, it's a promise."

Jack felt a shiver race down his spine at her chilling words. He swallowed then nodded.

"Well?"

"Yes Doctor Fraiser," answered the two duly chastised men.

"Good." Standing up, the doctor made her way over to the room's other occupant. "Good luck, Teal'c. You're gonna need it." And with that rather somber, and not terribly flattering pronouncement, Janet exited the briefing room.

Teal'c turned his attention to the two seated men once again, before continuing his discourse. "As I was saying, during the Tokugawa Dynasty of the Third Shogunate, a daimyo of the Tokugawa family by the name of Ieyasu, was promoted to the rank and title of Shogun. During his reign..."

Jack flicked a glance at his watch for what was probably the hundredth time in the course of the Teal'c torture fest. God, could this be any more boring? Jack swore to himself that he would never bitch at one of Daniel's lectures ever again; Christ, they were like the Stanley Cup compared to this snoozefest. The only ray of light in all this was that the Napoleonic power monger had absented herself. Ever since Daniel's erotic pen performance and Jack's accompanying meltdown, she had been watching them both like hawks. But now that she was gone, it was time for a little fun.

Jack had already dismantled one of his pens as a way to relieve his mounting boredom and now he was going to put it to good use. Carefully tearing off a corner from a sheet of paper, he wadded the bit of paper into a tiny ball which he then lodged in one end of the now empty barrel of his pen. Waiting until Teal'c turned towards the wall where the presentation was being displayed, Jack lifted the plastic tube to his lips, drew in a deep breath, and blew. Hard.

Daniel, who had his head down as he scribbled notes trying to keep apace with Teal'c's lecture, was completely oblivious to Jack's covert activities. At least he was until a spitball traveling with considerable force collided with the top of his head.

Daniel looked up and over at Jack who was wearing his most innocent expression, which was, of course, always a dead giveaway that the sneaky colonel was up to something. His eyes narrowed in suspicion at his team leader and lover who was now feigning great interest in Teal'c's lecture, even jotting down a note or two on his legal pad. He glared at Jack once more for good measure then returned to his own note taking.

Jack smiled to himself. 'Perfect. Time to undertake a scientific study of the aerodynamic capabilities of spitballs and the median force of impact when said spitballs collide with stationary archeologists.' He watched and waited for Daniel to let his guard down and for Teal'c to shift direction. As soon as the moment presented itself, he drew his makeshift blowgun up from behind his back, loaded it with fresh ammunition and then, placing it against his lips, he blew. Hard.

The saliva soaked missile caught Daniel on his right cheekbone. The younger man's head shot up and he glared at the nonchalant colonel, his eyes promising all sorts of dire punishments when next they were alone and in private. Jack hoped he delivered. There was nothing quite like a thoroughly pissy Daniel in the sack. Once he worked his way through that first level of annoyance with a good round of shouting, cursing and gesturing, all that bottled up passion needed to find some physical release and Jack knew from past experience that that release would be hot, sweaty, mind melting sex. The trick, as always, was to bring Daniel to a slow boil and let him simmer. And then at the perfect moment, turn up the heat and whoa momma, watch him explode!
 
Finally Daniel broke off the glare and returned his attention to Teal'c's lecture, trying all the while to keep an eye on the wily colonel. Well Daniel could try to catch him all he wanted; Jack had learned quite a bit about stealth and covert operations during his days in Special Ops. Jack had already taken the precaution of preparing several spitballs in advance so that he could launch his attack with lightning speed. All he needed was an opening.

Yes! There it was, Daniel was crossing something out on his notepad and Teal'c had turned away from them. He loaded his weapon, he locked it in place, and he put it into action.

Score! This one hit Daniel right between the eyes. By now Daniel was practically cross-eyed with indignation. His face was flushed, apparent even in the dim light of the briefing room, and his eyes were fairly shooting lightning bolts.

"Jack!" he hissed. "Stop it!"

Jack mouthed the word 'What?' and gave Daniel his hurt little boy expression that usually made Daniel cave. Apparently not this time.

"Stop it!" he repeated in that same low, terse voice, shooting a few more laser beams at him for good measure.

Jack smiled the second Daniel's attention drifted slightly towards Teal'c. 'Oh yeah, workin' like a charm!'

Unfortunately, Jack was so preoccupied with watching Daniel practically bouncing in his seat in a state of self-righteous pissiness, that Jack let his own guard slip. It was fractional, but alas, in a combat situation, even a moment's lapse can prove fatal. Once again Jack loaded his weapon and was preparing to bring it to his lips, when something smacked across his knuckles with sudden, bruising force.

"Sonovabitch!" he howled as he dropped his blowgun from numbed fingers and jammed his smarting knuckled into his mouth to try and ease the stinging pain.

Jack looked up to encounter 6'4" of livid Jaffa. Teal'c's glare made Daniel's previous look appear positively doe-eyed by comparison. The Jaffa was towering over Jack, storming like a thundercloud with his pointer clicking sharply against the table edge. And for the second time in as many hours, Jack was 10 years old again suffering the wrath of Sister Mary Margaret Ignatius and her lethal ruler. Looking up at Teal'c's ominous expression, he knew there could no longer be any doubt; Teal'c was somehow channeling the ghost of that formidable and terrifying woman.

"O'Neill," he intoned, his voice the sound of doom. "Why have you disfigured this writing implement?"

"Um..." was all Jack could say.

Teal'c picked up his makeshift blow gun and examined it closely. "It would appear that you have altered it to serve as some sort of weapon. For what purpose did you fashion it?"

"Um..." Jack reiterated.

"I am most displeased O'Neill. I had thought better of you than this."

A soft snicker sounded from the other side of the table. Teal'c shifted his stony gaze, pinning Daniel to his seat.

"Do you find this situation amusing, DanielJackson?"

Daniel's eyes were wide as saucers and his face was drained of color. Obviously Daniel had never had a Sister Mary Margaret Ignatius in his life. Jack couldn't decide whether to envy or pity him that lack of experience.

"Well?" Teal'c queried again.

"Uh...no sir," came Daniel's halting response.

'Sir? Daniel called Teal'c sir? Man, I have so got to get T to teach me how he does that. Five years on my team and Daniel still thinks "Time to go, Daniel" means "Just let me know when you're done here, we have nothing better to do". Now that is chain of command!'

Teal'c shifted his glare from one man to the other. "I am greatly displeased in your behavior. It is most unseemly. Were you Jaffa training under my tutelage I would be within my rights to have you flogged..."

Both men paled.

"...but as we are not on Chulak and the customs of this world differ from my own, I must find a more appropriate form of punishment for you both."

Daniel looked at Jack.

Jack looked at Daniel.

'We are so dead.'

'Crap.'

***

1124 Mountain Standard Time

When Janet Fraiser finally returned to the briefing room, she was to encounter a scene that would bring a smile to her lips for weeks to come. Teal'c still stood at the head of the table his arms crossed against his chest, his pointer held at attention and his expression one that would give a Sherman tank pause.

The other two occupants, however, had shifted position. At present Daniel was standing in front of a chalkboard writing column after column of script. As she peered closer she had to suppress a laugh. Daniel was inscribing the military chain of command in the USAF by rank-superior to subordinate-from General of the Air Force all the way down to second lieutenant. Each rank was accompanied by a neat drawing of the corresponding insignia. Looking at the number of rows, it looked like he'd been at it for quite some time. Colonel, by contrast, was standing in the opposite corner, facing way from the room, into the corner while holding a full salute. His back was ramrod straight, his elbow held at a perfect 90 degree angle and his hand just brushing his right eyebrow.

'Ooh, he's gotta be sore by now,' she thought, wincing slightly. Somehow she realized she wasn't truly surprised by this little tableau. Impressed? Yes. Amused? And how. Surprised? No, not really. There was no way these two could behave themselves for six minutes, let alone six hours if you forced them to do something they didn't want to do.

"Teal'c?" Janet queried, schooling her voice to hide her considerable mirth at the scene before her. "I take it the boys got a tad...rambunctious?"

"You are correct in that assessment DoctorFraiser," he confirmed.

"Ah," she replied nodding her understanding. "So, do you think their behavior has earned them an afternoon of practice enemas?"

Janet had carefully positioned herself so she could watch both men for their reaction. The colonel stiffened even further, if that were even possible and Daniel's hand stopped in mid scrawl. She would have bet good money that right now his face was whiter than the chalk he was holding.

Taking advantage of the fact that the miscreants were standing with their backs to her, Janet flashed Teal'c a dazzling smile and a wink, and Teal'c responded with a broad smile of his own. Silence lingered for endless moments as the co-conspirators let their victims sweat a bit. Finally deciding that they had suffered enough--and fearing that Daniel might start hyperventilating any second or that the colonel might snap his jaw from gritting his teeth so tightly--Teal'c let them off the hook.

"No DoctorFraiser. I believe they have learned their lesson. Is that not correct?" he asked, directing the question towards the two men.

"Yes sir!" came the crisp reply from both men.

Janet turned wondering eyes on the perfectly composed Jaffa, giving him a thumbs up.

"Very well. You may return to your seats. She was startled to see both men move with alacrity to regain their seats. 'Damn, but he is good!' Janet couldn't help but think. 'If I don't watch it, I'm going to lose my title as the number one terror of the SGC.' She glanced again at Teal'c and smiled inwardly. 'Nah, he may be intimidating, but I still own every prostate on this base,' she reminded herself as she returned to her previous seat. She nodded at Teal'c to continue.

"It is my hope that the preceding exercise instilled in you both a greater appreciation for the principle of chain of command?"

"Yes sir!"

"And that henceforward you will behave in accordance with this principle whenever you are acting in an official capacity within this facility, off world or in any other situation were you are called upon to serve as a representative of the SGC or the planet Earth?"

"Yes sir!"

"Very well. This lecture is now completed. It is time for the 'tests' that General Hammond instructed me to administer." Teal'c gave each man a slim stack of paper, neatly stapled in one corner. "You have precisely twenty-eight minutes in which to complete the assigned examination. You may begin."

Both men immediately hunched over their test booklets, focusing completely on the texts before them. Janet looked at Teal'c once more and smiled. 'Oh yeah. He's damned good!'

***

1244 Mountain Standard Time

General George Hammond was seated at his desk, reviewing the proposal for mineral survey on P5X643 that had been submitted by SG-11 and Dr. Lemmen, the SGC's chief metallurgist, when he heard a sharp rap in his office door.

"Come!"

The door opened to reveal the formidable presence of the SGC's resident Jaffa. "Teal'c, come in son." Hammond had long ago stopped offering the other man a seat knowing from past experience that he would kindly, but firmly refuse. "So, how did the lecture on the history and evolution of the principle of chain of command go?"

"I believe that it went well for the most part. However, by the time we entered the fourth hour of the presentation, both Colonel O'Neill and DanielJackson became increasingly restless."

'Well, no surprise there. Actually, I'm rather amazed they behaved themselves for that long.' "Go on."

"As we neared the fifth hour of the presentation, I apprehended Colonel O'Neill engaged in a somewhat childish and pointless diversion involving an empty plastic tube from a writing instrument and small, tightly folded wads of paper."

'Ah, good old spitballs, eh Jack?'

"At that point I was forced to chastise both Colonel O'Neill and DanielJackson verbally before meting out additional punishment."

'No, no surprises there.' "So how did they do on their tests?"

"Both Colonel O'Neill and Daniel Jackson failed to obtain what you had indicated would be a passing grade. However, I do believe both men have made great strides. DanielJackson now knows all of the ranks in the United States Air Force and their place within the chain of command..."

'Well, that was good news!'

Teal'c paused.

"And Colonel O'Neill?"

"Colonel O'Neill has learned that today I merely imparted the abbreviated version of my presentation. I also indicated that it would be my pleasure to share with him the complete eleven hour version should you deem it necessary at a future date," he concluded, a small secretive smile on his lips.

Hammond let out a bark of laughter. "Oh I bet he was just thrilled with the prospect!" he said, chuckling at the image of Jack O'Neill's expression of utter horror.

"You are correct General Hammond."

"Well, Teal'c I think the colonel has gotten the point, at least for the time being."

"You are pleased with the results?"

"Couldn't have done better myself." He confirmed.

"And our agreement?"

"A deal's a deal, Teal'c. I'll make sure that new satellite dish is installed by the end of the week."

"I am most grateful, General Hammond. I am very much looking forward to having the opportunity to watch the Sci-Fi channel. I have heard they are acquiring additional original programming. It should prove most interesting."

"Of that I have no doubt," Hammond said with a smile, "no doubt at all."

End

This is a sequel to Spring's ficlet "Comeuppance." As is so often the case, this all began with a harmless discussion regarding "The Tomb," and specifically Jack's behavior in this episode. From such innocent little remarks a wicked, evil, plot bunny was hatched, spawned, whatever. The bunny was lobbed at Spring by Michelle and Wadjet and then Spring being the dear, sweet, (fill in the blank with epithet of choice) lobbed it at me. Sigh. As Jack would say "It's all fun and games until someone breaks a nail." As always, I blame Spring, because, somehow it always is her fault. In this instance, I will accept partial blame since I was the one who innocuously raised the specter of the power point presentation in the first place. I really do need to learn to keep my big mouth (or would that be keyboard?) shut.