Little Red Riding Bandana by Widget

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Daniel who lived in a place known as Colorado. Although his name was Daniel, everyone called him Little Red Riding Bandana after his headwear of choice. Originally, he had been known as Little Red Riding Boonie after his previous headwear of choice, but he had decided to drop the boonie in favor of the bandana due to the encouraging sighs and smiles and fainting fits that the bandana seemed to elicit from the female populace. Besides, he was told that it showed off the blueness of his eyes and looked so hot with his biceps.

Anyway, one day Little Red Riding Bandana decided to go and visit his grandfather Nick who was living in a mental hospital in Oregon. Little Red Riding Bandana being a good and dutiful grandson often went to visit his grandfather (who insisted he be called Nick rather than 'Grandfather', 'Grandpa', 'Granddad' or any of the usual names for some odd reason) bearing a basket full of goodies, despite the fact that his grandfather had abandoned him and refused to adopt him when his parents were tragically killed (sniff) and then went on to ridicule all of Little Red Riding Bandana's theories and to call him insane, despite all the evidence that Little Red Riding Bandana produced (Hello? Nick? You're living in a mental ward; does pot and kettle mean anything to you?). Fortunately, Little Red RidingBandana, being a good and dutiful grandson also had a surprisingly generous and forgiving nature, so he didn't hold it against his grandfather. He wasn't bitter, Nope. Not a bit.

Alas, what Little Red Riding Bandana didn't know was that the Big Bad Wolf, who was known as 'Jack' to his friends and as 'Colonel O'Neill, SIR' to most people and as 'Really Bad News' to anyone who ticked him off, had been watching Little Red Riding Bandana for some time and had developed a taste for a little bit of Little Red Riding Bandana flesh. So, the wily and rakishly handsome Big Bad Wolf decided to lay a trap for the unsuspecting Little Red Riding Bandana. Hearing of Little Red Riding Bandana's plans to visit his grandfather at his home in the mental hospital and knowing that Little Red Riding Bandana would take awhile to travel there because of his tendency to stop and examine every rock, er, artifact he encountered along the way, the Big Bad Wolf had ample time to arrive in advance and set his trap.

Upon arriving he set about getting rid of Little Red Riding Bandana's grandfather ("Take a hike, grandpa"). Little Red Riding Bandana's grandfather was so terrified by the sudden appearance of the wily and rakishly handsome Big Bad Wolf, he disappeared straight away without the aid of a Crystal Skull. The Big Bad Wolf then took the old man's place in the bed, dimming the light and closing the door to lie in wait for the hapless and unsuspecting and oh so tasty Little Red Riding Bandana.

When Little Red Riding Bandana arrived, he was not terrible surprised to find the lights dimmed. His grandfather often spoke of 'giant glowing aliens' so he assumed they were also doing double duty as nightlights.

"Nick?" Little Red Riding Bandana queried softly to his grandfather.

"Come closer, my sweet," said the voice from the bed, sounding uncharacteristically husky and provocative. Little Red Riding Bandana being a good and dutiful grandson, as well as an overly trusting one, stepped closer to the bed.

Even in the dim light he noticed that his grandfather looked, well, different. Younger, fitter and most definitely hotter than he recalled. And he was quite sure his grandfather had never had that predatory gleam in his eyes before.

"Nick,' Little Red Riding Bandana started a bit hesitantly, "what big eyes you have."

"The better to leer at you with," The Big Bad Wolf in disguise replied, and proceeded to do just that.

Hmm. Nick had never responded like that before.

"Nick," he began again, "what big ears you have."

"The better to hear you moan and beg with."

Well, that was different too.

"Nick," Little Red Riding Bandana continued, "what big teeth you have."

"The better to nibble along your collar bone, and nip and bite along your throat and tug on your earlobes with."

Little Red Riding Bandana was starting to get the suspicion that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't Nick. There was one more point he needed to clarify. He let his eyes sweep down the bed.

"Nick," he said, "what a big erection you have."

"The better to fuck you with six ways to Sunday."

"Well," Little Red Riding Bandana began, his voice now a throaty purr as he reached into the basket he was carrying, "it's a good thing I brought this then," he concluded as he produced an extra large tube of lube from the basket.

The Big Bad Wolf gave a deep growl before launching himself upon his hapless and unsuspecting prey.

Much later, following much moaning and begging and growling and purring...

"Jack?"

"Hmm?"

"Do me a favor? Next time you agree to babysit Hammond's granddaughters, take them skating or something. Everytime you read theme nursery rhymes and fairy tales you come up with the kinkiest fantasies."

"Hey, Daniel, did I tell you the one about the Three Little Pigs? It involves lots of huffing and puffing. Oh, and lots of blowing."

A groan was the only reponse that was heard

And they screwed like bunnies happily ever after.

Finis

Notes

OK, this time I really can place all the blame on Spring, aka my primary enabler, my beta-noir, and the punter of perverted parody plot bunnies. See?! Not only does she inspire me to write quirky humor fics, she's even causing me to indulge in wanton aliteration. Fortunately (or unfortunately as you, the gentle reader, must decide) she managed to lob this plot bunny at me while Hughie, my demanding and extremely jealous plot bunny was sleeping, basking in the afterglow of 'Fluff n' Fold. Spring's p.b., managed to sneak in, plant the idea and scamper out all without waking the thoroughly pissy Hughie. Such tenacity--or stupidity--should be rewarded, hence this fic.

See Spring's page for companion piece(s) in this series.

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